“It’s true,” my friend said. With those two words, months of uncertainty and confusion came to an end. My husband was having an affair. We had been married for three years. Two of which I suppose you could call honeymoon years.
The third was where our relationship started deteriorating. It was not drastic or anything I could take hold of and try and fix. I think looking back, that this was the most confusing thing of all. I tried to hold things together but it felt like my marriage was slipping through my fingers. The worst thing was that I didn’t know why.
We talked about my vague worries and fears but was reassured at every turn that we were doing fine. He loved me and that I needn’t worry about anything. I think it was the lies that affected me most when I found out. I felt so stupid. Looking back, the signs were there but I had deliberately refused to think he could do something like this. Even more so as we were both Christians.
Facing the truth at the time was the hardest thing that I had ever done. It left me feeling exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. I went through times when I felt such a failure, that it was somehow my fault. Other times feeling shame that as a woman, I had not been able to keep my husband. I felt like I had been suspended in time, my identity taken away. I was no longer a Mrs, a Miss and what was this Ms thing anyway?
Walking anywhere on my own became a huge ordeal, fearing I would see him….. or her. The idea of leaving my house without carefully putting on make-up was inconceivable. I had to feel that I looked good in order to face people. I suppose it was almost like a form of protection. Simple things like having a coffee or shopping on my own were impossible.
The strength and peace that carried me through the months of confusion, lies, separation and finally divorce kept me sane and whole. God’s Word, his presence and love held me together. There were times I even felt as if I was in a cocoon, sheltered from all that was going on. I can honestly say that knowing Him and His endless unconditional love for me made a huge difference and kept me from going crazy.
This all took place several years ago. So many wonderful things have happened to me in these years. I have been able to make my own CD and be a part of several musical productions both locally and internationally as well as many other things. I am a part of a wonderful Church where I am loved and can be myself. No pretense, no masks, just me.
I don’t want to deceive you into thinking that everything is now a bed of roses. I still have my ups and downs. I still struggle with some issues but I know that through it all, I can trust in God and his love for me. I can completely rely on his never-changing, never-ending love and acceptance of me with all my faults, failings, trimmings and all.
If you are going through a difficult time and don’t know where to turn or what to do, please don’t forget God. He is there for each one of us. If you talk to Him, tell Him what you are going through and He will help. If you know nothing about Jesus and want to find out more, pick up a Bible and start reading in a little book called Luke. It is about three quarters way through. It will tell you about Jesus and what he did and the hope that he gives us.
If you want to know more about becoming a Christian, check out this website. It has a clear and easy to read explanation of what being a Christian is all about.